I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
