i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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