I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
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I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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