I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
