I wish they made helmets for livers.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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