I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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