why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
