Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
