Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
