I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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