Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
