Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
