omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.