I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
