is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
