I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
