I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
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Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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