Did you just see the Batmobile???
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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