If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
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He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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