Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
