You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
