I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
