It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
