This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm both gender and math confused
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
