i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
