I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
