Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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