You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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