just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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