My girlfriend figured out who you are.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
