His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
