Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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