I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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