she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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