She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
