I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
