i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
