theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
