I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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