moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
