now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
