I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
