Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
