who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
