Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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