My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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