No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
