Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
