seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
