I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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