as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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