there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
