Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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