I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
