she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
