So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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