Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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