Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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