I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
