It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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