how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
