You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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