I got chris browned last night
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
