Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
