Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
