I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
